Navigating Marriage and Dementia
If you Google top romantic movies, The Notebook, released in 2004 and based on the Nicholas Sparks book by the same name, comes up in the top five. The story has captured generations of viewers, primarily because of the enduring love story between Noah and Allie, even amid Allie’s dementia.
The movie’s tragic ending, with Allie’s sundowning and slipping from reality, depicts the heartbreak of dementia. But Noah’s enduring love and compassion offer inspiration, especially if you are walking a similar journey.
Here are eight ideas to help keep your marriage relationship viable during a dementia journey.
Tell stories. As you are spending time together, remember the good days. Share the stories you remember and invite them into that memory. Don’t challenge their memory by saying, “You remember that, don’t you?” or “Do you remember the time when?” Just share what you remember. On a good day, they’ll join the retelling.
Be adventurous. Purchase date night or adventure cards that offer ideas of things you can do together. Commit to regularly spending time and having adventures, if the partner with dementia can physically participate. Doing so will help you continue to make memories on the good days. Also, know your spouse. If the card you choose suggests a hike and they despise hiking, choose another adventure.
Be romantic. When you first started dating, what brought a smile to your spouse’s face? Flowers? A small gift? A handwritten note? A drive to find the best ice cream around? Do it! Pick up flowers, write a note or go for a drive. Continue to add good memories to your memory bank.
Remember their love language. We all express and receive love differently. Reflect on your partner’s love language and find ways to express love. Be aware that if she used to love hugs and kisses, she may resist you now. Understand her boundaries and find ways to show love through affection that’s appropriate for where she is on her dementia journey.
Don’t neglect your love language, though. If words of affirmation were your love language but your partner is combative, find ways to accept love in new ways. Does she smile when you come into the room? You’ll want to guard your heart against seeking affirmation in other places.
Recreate memories. What did you do and where did you go on your first date? Did you go for a picnic? Find a way to have a picnic. Did your partner enjoy baking? Pull out an old cookbook and make a favorite recipe. Whatever memory it is, do it together, considering physical limitations.
Reminisce with photos. Pull out old photo albums and share stories about the memories they depict. Use the albums as a place to start the conversation. Don’t question your partner’s memory. Instead, share what you remember. On a good day, they may remember too.
Ask for help. Sometimes, you just need a break. Although it may be difficult, ask a friend or family member to help just to give you a break. Doing so gives the other person the blessing of helping you, and you can gain some distance to appreciate your partner better.
Set your limits. As dementia progresses the level of care your partner needs will increase. Determine the level of care you are comfortable providing. It is OK to hire a caregiver if showering and toileting your partner will break your marriage. It’s also OK to consider care in a memory care community or even skilled nursing. These choices will not “break your vows.” These choices will help you maintain your marriage and provide the care your partner needs.
Each of these ideas is geared toward helping you love and honor your partner, until death do you part. After all, that’s what you promised, right?
Melody Karick, dementia educator and consultant for ForgeWorks, developed the organization’s proprietary dementia training, Challenges 2 Solution. She uses this interactive training to help businesses, churches, municipalities, first responders and families serve people living with dementia. Her certifications include Certified Dementia Practitioner, Certified Montessori Dementia Care Practitioner, Personal Care Health Administrator, Virtual Dementia Tour Certified Trainer and Positive Approach to Care. In addition, Melody leads Dementia Friendly Lancaster, a group of devoted community members, organizations and faith-based leaders as well as those who have been touched by dementia.